Saturday, December 3, 2016

Feeling 22

17 months and 20 days ago, I was in this dress when I tried to jump from a rooftop---drunk and already wasted from barely 4 glasses of Bacardi. I was both in a festive and depressive mood to say goodbye to college and still feel ugly, unwanted and frustrated because this superficiality still bothers me. It still bothers me now, bothers me more.
On parties, I would always turn to a cup of beer, a glass of martini, a shot of vodka--whatever alcohol I could get into my system so I'd forget. I'd forget that I don't belong with my dark skin, my plain face, my stammering voice and my uninteresting personality. I would drink as much as I could (even though God knows how I hate the taste of alcohol) until all my guard has been dropped and I'm free as a bird the rest of the night.
I don't party a lot but each time ends memorably. I go wild and this dress was a witness to that crazy, eventful Graduation Ball. I guess I was just trying to be happy then and I thought alcohol was heaven's answer to me. It doesn't ever work, well, it never lasts.
Last night, I wanted to drink so badly. I haven't been sad lately but to not be sad doesn't mean you're happy. There's that grey area I can't exactly pinpoint that's keeping me away from living a happy life for once. And since I don't know what my problem is, I just want to escape, like I usually do, with alcohol. I tried forcing my workmate but she wouldn't give in because dammit, we have Saturday work today and I'm typing this before taking a bath because yeah, it's actually my 22nd birthday and 4th blog anniversary today. Hence, the annual dramatic post.

My point being, people do crazy stuff to be happy and sometimes in their crazy pursuit of happiness, people lose themselves. And that's exactly why most adults are sad. They don't know themselves, others don't know them and they get lost while trying to earn a living.
Sperry Top Sider white sneakers || Turtleneck from my sister || Dress from Divisoria

Sorry if my blog posts have been using this soul-searching theme lately. I know that if I would just stop drowning myself into self-pity and start working on my flaws, then life would be a lot easier and happiness would be at bay. But it's not that easy, it would never be and I guess, there's nothing else to do but to accept that all roads have bumps. At least, I'm blogging again and doing something to make my life mobile after more than a year.
This is a start and here I am hoping again that everything will turn out for the best--with or without the help of alcohol. Plus I don't get to take photos of this beautiful, frilly dress when I'm drunk.


  1. Haha dito talaga friend? Thank you!

  2. Nice post

    Love Vikee


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